It has almost been a year and I am still not over it....

I wrote this in August of 2008.

Friends and Family, I am going to ask for your prayers today. Yesterday, one of my closest friends died suddenly, and without warning.

Although she was sick..there was no indication of impending death.

I have been crying since yesterday morning, and I have not been able to wrap my head around it yet. Sometimes I am laughing and the next minute I am crying.

I am crushed.... I know that eventually it will stop hurting...but right now I feel as though my heart is going to burst. 

She was 53 years old. But looked 40 and lived life like she was 30. She was a little angel... She loved everything that God made. She was always reading and trying to feed her thirst for knowledge. What gift she was!  Although much older than me, we forged a friendship that took us through good and bad...with many laughs along the way.

What is sad is that she had HIV. She contracted it through a monogamous relationship ( or so she thought) 12 years ago with a guy who was apparently bi-sexual and on the down low.

(He actually died of full blown AIDS several years ago.)

She had been living with HIV for 12 years and although she had a fatal disease, she had the most positive attitude of anyone I have ever known.

She worked owning her own little cleaning business until she was diagnosed with conjunctive heart failure in 2006. That meant that her heart only operated at 10 percent of it's capacity and severely limited her activities.

Since the HIV diagnosis she was constantly "homeless" living from place to place. She even stayed with me a few times. She lived off of her under the table cleaning wages, and a 600 dollar a month check from Social Security. She wasn't even eligible for food stamps. HIV victims are treated horribly by the system. Many times I bought her food, toiletries and even clothes. I gave her money for transportation.

In return she was the most dependable loyal friend I have ever known.

I gave her a job as my assistant, and allowed her to work as she could. She was extremely talented and worked with me until last December when she had a stroke and was unable to work any longer. She had just spent last Thanksgiving with me and my family.

Yesterday her little heart gave out without warning. She was in the hospital with Pneumonia, and her blood pressure went up. Although she had a defibulator (sp) which is a device that is supposed to shock her heart into beating if it has too much pressure on it...it didn't kick in. The nurses and doctors rushed in to try and save her. They tried to recessitate her several times. But as the Lord would have it she died.

I miss her terribly.  I feel terrible, that she died in the hospital all alone. Because of my work and traveling... I hadn't talked to her in a couple of months. As it happens....I tried to reach her several times last week to no avail. I wanted to see her and I was in her city. Maybe God was trying to tell me something. I should have tried harder.

I can't believe it. Now I am helping her family to raise money for her burial. She died with nothing...and many unrealized dreams.

Black Women with HIV are a group that are virtually ignored. I am planning to start a scholarship fund in her honor to help young black women with HIV be able to live quality lives and achieve their dreams.

I know this post was long...thanks so much for listening.

Dating... Is he Married... Separated...or Divorced?

Dating….in my book, it never gets easier! I am finding that the older I get... most of the men I meet are either divorced or in the process of a divorce. This has happened to me and a number of my friends, several times. You meet a man, and he has no ring on. We go out on a number of dates, and then he drops the bomb! He is separated from his wife and getting a divorce (supposedly). I severed one relationship…before it got too far; and luckily I made that decision.... this guy he didn't get divorced until three years later!

Another guy I dropped had taken me on several really great dates. Somewhere around date number five, it happened. Not only was he separated; but he had beautiful little girl! As he explained himself... I munched on my cheesecake. Right after he told me it had been a three year separation, AND they were still not divorced! I let him go. It was unbelievable…although papers had been filed.... he says the wife wouldn't sign them... (Mind you…she was the one who filed them...)

But what really blew me away was that even though he was a good father... he had never attempted to set up custody arrangements for his little girl. There was nothing written in stone. So, again, according to him; there was always wife drama. Of course…she was using, and abusing the child to get her point across. I thought to myself as I was breaking it off... "Take care of your business!”

In my opinion, so many things can be happening in a separation/divorce situation. The dating game is hard enough without adding in the types of emotional factors that these situations create. Until they are divorced anything can happen.

So while he may have moved out and is separated, there is always the chance that they may try and work things out. I have learned that it is easier to remain platonic friends until AFTER the divorce is finalized.

Besides if he's just getting out of a relationship, does he REALLY want to get into another one? Even though it might appear that way....more than likely he's just looking for some comfort both sexually and emotionally. Now... if all you’re looking for is a temporary fling then you might be okay with being the rebound chick. But if you’re looking for something more serious, don't bother.

If he's SINCERELY interested in you now, he will be just as interested in you LATER.

What's interesting...is that there's really a pattern here. Separation doesn't constitute divorce. Many men simply cannot be alone. They separate from their wives, yet they will date other woman for companionship. Unfortunately they are not realizing that the women they are dating, more than likely want a committed relationship, down the road.

Then, the same men end up detaching themselves from the companion as well. Quite often, separated men, try to get back with their wives. She is “Wifey” ...the one they have the foundation with (i.e. comfort, home, kids). The brutal truth is, if they truly want out, they will divorce first, wait to heal, and then date!

I have observed men like this in the workplace. They somehow always find some single prospect, and complain about their estranged wife.... How she used the kids against him, etc., etc. However; once at their desks....they're on the phone whispering, begging, and pleading, making every attempt to get back in the home.

These types are engaging in parasitic behavior. While in emotional crisis....they attach themselves to any living specimen and suck, the life right out of them if allowed! Then they fall off when they're done, and go to the next person...fulfilling their own needs.

My suggestion is to date AVAILABLE men. You are worth it! Why bring someone else's drama on yourself? You deserve more!

If you do decide to date him please remember this... There can be a major lapse between "filing for divorce" and the actual divorce. It may never happen at all. When kids are involved, it can really be dramatic. Remember that you're only getting one side of the story (his), and while he may portray her as "crazy" or "uncooperative", keep in mind that he is a MALE. They see things differently than most women do.. And the thought processes are often diametrical .

He may think it's over, but she may think that because he came over last week to see his son, she was there frying chicken; and HE ATE SOME, that there's still some connection....some small chance. It can be very very messy.

Ladies…if you want my advice? Sit back, mix yourself a Martini,and don't get too wrapped up until the path gets a little clearer.Good Luck!

State of Mind: Why my life was saved on September 11th 2001

By Monica Rowland

Have you ever had anything happen to you..that gave you a sure sign that God has stuff for you to do?

Where were you on September 11th 2001?

Well... I had just left a friend's house in Maryland that morning and was on my way to see a client in DC. If you know anything about DC's roads etc... you may have heard of Rock Creek Park. The Park has a two lane parkway that people take to cut through the city between VA and MD.

My client was located directly across the river from the Pentagon. I was driving in the park when the twin towers were hit. And although I usually listen to talk/news radio in the car.... I had the radio off..because I was talking to my best friend Kimmie on the phone.

As soon as I exited the park and drove up to my client's office..I noticed that some people were running. Not a mob..but maybe like 15 or so... At that point... I was thinking wha? (insert blank stare)... but In DC that isn't that unusual because there is always a presidential motorcade etc. So you never know. I had seen stranger things.

I got a parking space really easy, and thought that was weird. Then I went into the building and it was almost empty. I went to my client's office and she wasn't in yet. I was expecting some other collegues so I went outside and called my office to see where they were.

My secretary answered and frantically said, "please come back to the office now!" Of coiurse I asked why...It's not like me to just do what someone else says immediately..just because they sound frantic.. and not only did I ask why?.. But iewas quite irritated that my collegues were not here yet. I was indignant because I wanted to have my meeting and people were late! She put our Senior Vice- President on the phone and, he told me to come back to the office in Maryland..immediately. He explained about the twin towers and that now the pentagon had been hit. He even said... can't you see the smoke from where you are standing? But for some reason I couldn't. Mind you... I was quite close..

I rushed back to my car and suddenly where there had been NO traffic just 10 minutes before...there was instant gridlock! Jet fighterplanes were roaring back and forth over our heads. I felt like there was a war going on. in the nation's capital! I turned on the talk/news radio and got an update. There was another plane headed towards the white house!

I was at that point terrified. I was about 5 blocks from the white houes and maybe 3 from the state department. The news announced that a bomb was going off at the state department. ( which I simultaneously heard)

There were more and more fighter jets and I didn't know if they belonged to the US or someone else. At that point we weren't even sure who we were defending ourselves against. I was listening to the radio and looking around. Everyone was totally panicked. I started crying, praying and cursing at the same time... (crazy right?) My conversation with god went some thing like this... "Lord please help me get out of here"...then I would say "shit shit shit!" When I couldn't make a turn. (All of this through tears... ) My cell phone was of no use to me... you c ouldn't get through to anyone.

I started thinking hard...trying to be strategic...Finally it occurred to me that if I went back the way I came I could cut down the one way street that led me there from the park in the first place... I could get out.

I made U turns and cut folks off. No lie.... I got to that street and went down it ..staying to the right ...going the WRONG way. And I saw the entrance to the park. I knew that although some people used the park...MOST people couldn't navigate their way through it. I was right. No one was in there. In fact the park was eerily quiet and empty.

I drove all the way back into Maryland..and for some reason felt a sense of relief. I made it to my office and everyone was crying and hugging me, because they knew I was right in the middle of it all. I called my Mom in Pittsburgh, like everyone else she was trying to call me all morning and couldn't get through. She was so worried that she had actually worn a hole in her shoe from pacing back and forth for hours at a time.! The stress of the situation had not only quickened her step, but caused a change in her posture. Amazing!

What's crazy..is that if the plane that was headed for the White House..would have made it... I would have died along with thousands of others that day. The White House is so low to the ground.....that it would have taken out the area blocks and blocks around it.

The people on that plane gave their lives to save mine. I will never forget it... and always be thankful..while feeling sad and heartbroken at the same time. what I learned from the situation was two fold:

First, as Americans we do not know what it is like to live under the constant threat of death and war. In other contries...it is a constant threat, with planes flying overhead, sirens blaring and an unfortunate steady stream of dead bodies.

Second, but certainly most important is that God has work for me to do. since then I make it a point to interact with Positive, Warm, Creative, Artistic people who care about the world and others in it.

I like to meet and talk with people who are about doing things to uplift the community and themselves.

People who realize that we are not guaranteed tomorrow, and that God put us on this earth for a purpose...so let's not sit around...Let's make it happen!

Do you know this kind of Love?

I confess that I am in love with the idea of love, and that I find myself wondering what all of the different types of love are that exist out there to experience.

Maybe it is because although I have been in love before...I have not experienced what I would consider a long lasting love. I have experienced passion both mentally and physically, being spiritually connected to a person, and what I call comfortable love. When you are companions and you are just comfortable with each other. Everything is predictable.

But I have to admit that I long to experience a real long lasting, powerful love. The kind of love where you really mean till death do us part. A ride or die kinda love, raw and filled with passion and laughter, excitement and mindblowing sex. But also sadness, and loss and emotional empathy for one another, and the world around us.

Do you know that kind of love?

Why I ....( YES A WOMAN) Dislike Valentines Day....

By Monica Rowland

I have begun to really dislike Valentines Day, and  I will tell you why....  I am in LOVE with LOVE!

I resent the fact that retailers, marketers and vendors take advantage of what started out to be a celebration of love. Valentines Day is one of the biggest holidays of the year, and literally breaks up tons of relationships. Most men hate Valentines Day..where they feel forced to buy candy, flowers or a gift of some kind...to prove their love for a woman. 

While I myself have recieved flowers , candy etc. on Valentines Day; I have to say that it never meant as much as recieving a gift or flowers randomly throughout the year. I really feel that it is important to show love and affection year round, and NOT just on Valentines Day.

What's interesting is that History.Com reports that, "According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine's Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. (An estimated 2.6 billion cards are sent for Christmas.)  Approximately 85 percent of all valentines are purchased by women. In addition to the United States, Valentine's Day is celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France, and Australia."

Doesn't that say something to you?  In my opinion, the greeting card industry and other retailers are taking advantage of people on an emotional level.  Valentines Day, and one's obligatory duties are so heavily advertised on TV, in magazines,  and now on the world wide web...that couples actually argue when it is not celebrated. 

Scores of single people, mostly women; feel depressed on Valentines Day if they do not have a mate or lover.  And God forbid... that mate doesn't buy a gift!  Well that is grounds for dismissal!  Never mind that during the rest of the year, he or she is the consumate friend, supporter and lover.  One day... and your "outta here!"

Now, with that being said..don't get me wrong...If you want to celebrate Valentines Day, go right ahead.  When done in the right spirit and for valid reasons, it is a wonderful time to set aside a moment, day or weekend to show a special person your love.  But please... make sure it is not a chore or "expected" demonstration of love.  Let's strive to make it what it was meant to be.  The celebration of a man (St. Valentine) who was a true "Saint" and valued the meaning of real love.

My favorite valentine memory?  My Mom.  Yep... that's right.  I said my Mom. 

For years when I was a little girl, she would put a Valentines Day card on my pillow, and at the breakfast table when I woke up.  She loved and still loves me very much. To me.....that means more than any "fake", forced, or obligatory valentine I could ever receive.  She also made a point of doing it throughout the year as well.  She not only celebrated my achievments; but she celebrated our love for family and life everyday.

We still give each other gifts, cards and little tokens of love thoughout the year, to this very day.